The Pleasure Principle - Dress Yourself Happy

Writing that title I do realise that I have just reached for a tin-opener for the biggest can of worms. But I had a customer in the shop this morning that tried on about 20 dresses. All she wanted was one that would make her feel less “shapeless” than the one she’d already earmarked to wear tonight - to her BOOKCLUB!

It reminded me that we attach so much negative self-talk to our clothes, and our bodies. Neural Linguistic Programming (NLP) is the study of how we use language to influence our neural pathways - and so our thoughts, behaviours and feelings. So if we say we want a dress to make us feel less fat, less shapeless, less stocky, less gangly, less old and all of the other “lesses” that I hear every day - we are missing the point.

From an NLP point of view - finding a dress that makes you look less shapeless won’t stop you from feeling shapeless - just a little bit less than you did before. And the new dress has just acted like a disguise - it hasn’t worked it’s magic on your feelings - it’s just acting like smoke and mirrors.

My generation grew up with heroin chic. The Diet Coke and Marlboro Light diet. The idolisation of the size zero. Yes the world has moved on but in my experience the legacy of eating disorders, orthorexia, warped thinking, obsessing over calories, negative self-talk and unattainable goals still plague Gen X.

So how do we move on from this rut - as its a very dull place to be? Dull, depressing and no fun.

I was talking to a massage therapist a few weeks ago who told me something very interesting - but not surprising. Women, particularly British women, have a problem with allowing themselves to accept physical pleasure (yes a generalisation but bear with me). She wasn’t necessarily talking about sexual pleasure - but the pleasure of enjoying the moment - relaxing in the bath without reading a book - just enjoying the sensation of the water and the heat. Going for a walk in nature without listening to a podcast (or worse, doing an Ocado order on the phone) - just feeling and hearing the natural world. Yes - reading a book in the bath is fab - as is listening to a podcast on a walk - but the point she is making is that women need to neurally connect their physical bodies with feelings of pleasure and we can’t do that if we’re “distracted” by our headphones or a book.

Taking pleasure in our body and reinforcing those neural pathways that connect physical feelings with pleasure is reaps rewards. I can attest to this. Since my conversation with Abbie, I have been making a huge effort to take her advice - and it’s extraordinary how taking pleasure in the smallest of physical things has a wider effect on mindset generally. I am not saying that a few quiet bubble baths and walks on the Common will make you fall in love with your body - but it’s a start. We take our bodies for granted - and they are generally a source of such negativity and angst. So start to realise that it can actually be a source of relaxation, calm, pleasure and delight. It’s the Pleasure Principle - and it works.

The other skill is to stop “should”-ing all over yourself. Any sentence that starts with “I should” needs to be reframed. If you need to, or you have to, or you want to - then fine. But telling ourselves we “should” lose a few pounds, start running, read more books, stop smoking, leave your husband, etc etc will never work.

So lets circle back to getting dressed for book club. If you are in book club where the others will judge you for what you are wearing then change your book club. When my lovely customer this morning wanted a new dress it was probably to impress the others - but also to make her feel confident, friendly, attractive, relaxed, successful - and lots of other positive adjectives. There is nothing wrong with wanting all of those things - and expressing them through your clothes. But focus of those things as they are positive and not about should-ing all over your body.

Dress yourself happy. Dress yourself confident. Dress yourself sexy (well maybe not to book club). Dress yourself fierce. Dress yourself for you and no one else. Dress yourself for pleasure. So how? Start by consciously reframing your thinking. When looking at your existing clothes - which make you happy? Which feel fab on your skin? Which really suit your skintone and make you light up? Which make you smile? Which have happy memories associated with them? Why are your favourites your favourites?

Some of you will be shouting at me - “I love this dress because it makes me look skinny!” but look beyond that and ask yourself - what does that mean to me? What about looking “skinny” makes me feel good? Maybe you need to reframe and shout “I love this dress because it makes me look confident and happy”. Stop making it about shape and weight and make it about feelings.

Lets move away from dressing to rules that others feel you “should” conform to. Yes there are shapes and colours that will complement your body better than others. I look great in pencil skirts - but they make me feel miserable as I can’t abide anything that makes me feel constricted. I “shouldn’t” wear oversized anything (being a “full hourglass”) but I feel best in loose clothing and am happiest in my uniform of baggy relaxed trousers and an oversized shirt or jumper. I threw out my colour swatch book years ago. Experiment and you will soon work out what colours suit you and make you smile. And most of all lets move away from what you “should” wear for your age. Only yesterday the front page of yet another broadsheet had a banner about how women over 50 should dress (eye roll emoji).

I maintain that what will make you happy is dressing according to your personality (me in my relaxed, modern and considered uniform and not in the wrap dresses and wiggle skirts the rule books would put me in). Have you thought about your three words yet? It might just be the path to happiness….